I have always used the sayings "G-d works in mysterious ways", and "everything happens for a reason". And now I must remind myself of these words yet again.
For the last two years, Kerri and I have been driving down to Florida almost every other month to spend time with family (the drive from Canada takes us two 12 hour days of driving). The main reason for the frequent trips was so that Kerri could spend as much time with her Grandma as possible. And the real reason we drove (instead of flying), was to save money. Well my new life lesson is that sometimes being cheap costs you more in the end. On the last four trips, I was treated for a pinched nerve and/or sciatica pain upon my return home. No biggie, I took some anti-inflammatory pills and pain meds and was up and running in a few days. But each trip, the recovery took just a bit longer. And this last trip left me bed ridden for three weeks and landed me in the hospital.
I finally went to the specialist today, only to find out that the numbness that has been spreading from my waist to my ankle on my left side is nerve damage. And that it is possibly permanent. And it is now spreading upwards. My muscles sometimes do not react to commands and therefore I am a fall risk. And the doctor told me that I am at a high risk for developing possibly fatal blood clots, so he does not want me to travel at all. I am to be scheduled for a nerve test and an MRI as soon as possible.
The hardest part of all of this is that I cannot go down to Florida right now, right when I want to the most. I am not there for my Mom in her final days in Hospice. I am not there for my Dad. I am not there for my sisters. After all the trips, the most important one of all is the one I cannot make.
We finally had the conversation with Kerri to prepare her. She was her usual Vulcan, logical self. She said she was happy and sad. When I asked her why, she said she was happy that Grandma was not going to be sick anymore. And sad that she was not going to see her again. Kerri told us she wanted to go for the funeral, and that she wants to see Grandma's "box". And she also said she wanted to spend the end of the year holidays in Florida with Grandpa. And that was the extent of the conversation. There were no tears, at least not from her. And she held my hand.
~Vivian
3 comments:
Well you've got tears from me! And no... this was not the most important trip. Don't do that to yourself! The most important were the ones where your mom was with it and aware that you both were there, and enjoyed your company! The most important visits were the ones that Kerri loved seeing her Bobe and playing cards with her and taking lots of pictures with them both smiling! THOSE were the most important trips because they created lifelong memories that you and Kerri will never forget. They gave your dad a break when he needed it, and uplifted your mom when she needed it. Now she has been lifted to a higher place, and she too, will hold those dear memories of your visits close to her heart, just as you should. Don't beat yourself up for not being there when she passed, Viv. You were there when she was alive and it meant something to all of you.
I love you, dear friend, and I pray for the sorrow to be lessened by the happy memories that you have of your mom.
Hugs...
Oh Viv, you made me cry. There are reasons for everything. You have been such a wonderful daughter to your mom and dad. I know your mother would understand and not have wanted you to travel and hurt yourself.
Be kind to yourself. You are one of the kindest people I know.
Listen, we all cross over alone. No matter how many people are with you, when you confront death you do so alone. Remember the 23rd Psalm. Your Mom has been ready for this for a long time. As I told you, the time you spent with her was the most precious you could have had. I know for the support of your family is the reason you wish to be down here but how many times did I say to take care of yourself? And how many times did you listen? If you start taking care of yourself NOW you can get better soon and then deal with things. As soon as your Mother is finally at rest then I personally think Oscar should go to Canada and get away from there. Just for a while. Perhaps Corey can fly down and drive back with him? And he can bring all the stuff you need to address the issues at hand. I know Lilian and Denise are able to handle the homefront but the main focus now is your Dad. Kerri is wonderful at cheering him up as well.
She is a very logical child. Children are. The other stuff comes as we grow up. Right now she has it right - we're the selfish ones who want your Mom here - for us. Would we wish her to still be here, suffering and in pain just so we can look at her every day? Really? Of course not. We are told in the Bible to mourn a birth and celebrate a death. I think once you're better - perhaps at the end of the year - you all should celebrate her life with family. Maybe all of you should go to Hollywood or something but celebrate the life and the person; the contributions she made in your lives. That and know as my Grandma always said, as long as someone remembers you, you are never truly gone.
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